Alright, yes, I KNOW, I already made a post about hair and girls and we all read it and it was disgusting and whatever. But you know what? People fucking loved that post. People ate that post up. People took that post and they brought it out to a nice seafood dinner and then asked if it wanted to come upstairs afterward. Seriously. I received several texts from that post the next day, and while it was not impressed with all of your sexual maneuvers, it still spoke highly of you guys nonetheless. And if that’s not enough incentive for me to keep going on the Girl Hair front, then I don’t know what is.
Last time around, we spent a lengthy
amount of time discussing the hair that pools in and around our assholes, which
the jury (?) agreed is a widespread problem that needs to be brought to the
forefront of Girl Attention. This time,
I want to crack open the lusty little clamshell that is Hair Removal. I just spent a few minutes trying to think of
how to apologize in advance for what’s to come, but I instead I used my superb
rationalization skills to realize that I don’t give any semblance of a fuck
about offending anyone. That being said,
lets talk about some Important Issues In Hair Removal.
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| My back rn. |
Facial Hair Removal: Just this past Christmas, my younger sister (the one we pretended was dead in the pool)
won the award for giving everyone the most underhanded presents of all
time. For instance, my mother received a
tube of fancy hair stuff with a label on it that said “for women age 50+” (my
mom is 47 . . . or maybe 46 . . . she’s been “39” for the
past ten years of my life and looks younger than I do, so I don’t really have
an accurate sense of her age). The thing
is, though her gifts were wrought with implications about all of our flaws, we were
all secretly obsessed with them. I
personally received a face shaver, and while at first I was deeply offended, I
quickly realized that this is something I desperately need and never would have spent the time nor the embarrassment to buy myself. Let’s be real, my face is hairier than
Chewbacca’s asshole, and honestly, this face shaver thing works wonders!
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| This is it. Of course it came sealed in Clamshell Plastic Packaging |
Facial hair presents a variety of
problems. Somewhere along the timeline
of the course of human history, it became socially unacceptable for a woman to
have a slight (okay, in my case full-blown) mustache/unibrow/any facial hair
whatsoever. Thankfully, Christ our Lord
Jesus Howard in Heaven on the Cross invented both waxing and tweezing as viable
alternatives to our hairy face disgraces.
But you know what? Waxing your
upper lip hurts like a fucking son of a bitch.
And tweezing? I would say
tweezing hurts too, but I have spent so much of my life plucking out the random
hairs from my uni that I no longer have nerve endings in much of my
forehead. I’ve heard it hurts. I’m going with that. I was also just about to make the concluding
point of my entire post just now, but I realized I have much, MUCH more to say,
SO LET’S PRESS ON.
That One Long Coarse Black Hair on Your Chin That You Pluck Every Two or Three Days: Oh this doesn’t happen to you?? Yes it does. And if you think it doesn’t, the odds are that you either don’t own a 10x magnifying mirror, or you just haven’t looked closely enough at your chin yet. Either way, you can bet your sweet peach-fuzz covered ass that I feel more sorry for you than you do for me at having just admitted to everyone on the Internet that I have one long coarse black hair that grows out of my chin.
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| Seriously, invest in one of those mirrors. You will thank me some far off day when you've finally forgiven yourself for never having looked at your chin up close before. GODSPEED, MY FRIENDS. |
Body Hair: It’s safe to say that at
this point in our lives, everyone knows that girls only shave when they 1. Are
going to be wearing a skirt or dress out that night, or 2. Have plans to fuck
someone. Other than that, most females
are too busy to spend time shaving every god damn day. Oh, is this a shock to you, Men (Boys)? Let’s explain.
- Subset #1: Leg Hair – I am promising you right now, the Average Girl will not shave her legs unless the above two situations arise. I don’t think guys understand how time consuming it is to shave one’s legs (and for that matter, ones entire body). I myself have legs that are seemingly endless, and I can honestly tell you that it takes me a minimum of twenty minutes of shower time alone JUST to shave. Do you know what happens after twenty minutes in the shower? Your sense of touch is all but disabled because your hands turn so fucking pruney that the idea of holding a razor is physically petrifying. How about those of us with ½ showers? You know, the ones where there is no space to move at all – the ones that literally feel like the Chokey from Matilda, where you have to simply rotate in circles in order to wash yourself? I have to actually sit on the floor of my 1/2 shower and stretch my leg at a 70 degree angle from my body just to be able to successfully shave off the hair stockings that grow on me without my consent. You want to talk about a woman’s right to choose - I say some genetic advancements need to be made where leg hair becomes an option rather than a imposed requirement (fucking Republicans).
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| This is how what my shower looks like every time I know I have to shave my legs. |
- Subset #2: Arm Hair – This is definitely controversial – not every girl feels the need to remove her arm hair, but hey, some of us do, so why not talk about it? Let me tell you about a young girl I know (it’s me. I’m the young girl. I don’t necessarily care for literary techniques/suspense) who learned a valuable lesson about arm hair: back in the fifth grade (before the hoop earrings and lip liner), there was an Indian girl in my predominantly white middle school named Puja, and somehow it leaked out that she shaved her arms. Of course, we all began making fun of her (don’t even TRY to look at me like that, I myself was utterly brutalized in middle school, I WAS JUST TRYING TO FIT IN BY MAKING FUN OF HER). Anywho, Puja shaved her arms because I guess she thought she was too hairy to be allowed in public, and I made fun of her only to have my own body hair rear its ugly head on me sometime in high school when I noticed that I was supposed to look more like a member of the Aryan Race than an overgrown Shih Tzu. With this new societal pressure crushing my already fragile self-esteem, I set out somewhere around Sophomore year to buy a tub of wax. My intention was not to remove my arm hair, but rather to no longer suffer through paying a judgmental Asian woman to annihilate my mustache. HOWEVER, the night I bought it, I figured I would test it out on my right wrist, just to see if I would be allergic or die or whatever. I DEFINITELY did not want to wax my arms, but the entire situation quickly escalated to the point where a patch on my right wrist became the entirety of my upper appendages, and so began my arm hair removal experience. Again, not all girls do this, but when they do, it simply adds to the laundry list of Shit to Do While Showering, and it's a pain in the fucking ass (um HI how do you shave an elbow?? Email me some answers).
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| My Freshman Yearbook photo. |
- Subset #3: Vagina Hair – You didn’t think (rephrase: You hoped) I was going to approach this topic, but you know what, THIS CHARDONNAY HAS ME FEELIN’ LOOSE AND I’M FUCKING GOING FOR IT. Vagina hair. You guys, here’s the thing: We all have hair on our vaginas. I’m trying to remember the first awkward time when I realized that I probably should do something about my vagina hair, but I think the progression from vagina hair to no vagina hair was so natural that my brain didn’t even register it. First off, let me say that if you are rocking a full bush, good for you. You probably have the same level of misinformed self-confidence as Kim Kardashian did in that godawful Ray J sex tape. Either that, or you don’t ever have sex. Whatever. For everyone else (i.e. the Average Girl), vagina hair is a fucking plague on the female existence. If any guys have made it this far through reading this post, I just want to grab your attention for a few more moments so I can let you in on a couple of things. For starters, when your girlfriend/the girl you are fucking shows up to your house for a sexual rendezvous, and you take off her clothes and realize her vadge is as smooth as a baby’s bottom, it is completely appropriate for you to cease all sexy time activity and give her a high five. Do you know what that girl went through to get her vagina to be so perfectly presentable? If she waxes, she paid upwards of $60 only to endure the humiliation of having a strange woman literally tear the hair out of her most sensitive area. If she’s the kind of girl who is too busy and poor for that pain-filled experience, she probably shaves, which entails running a fucking RAZOR nearly half a CENTIMETER from her most pivotal pleasure organs. Previously, I mentioned having to stretch myself into an unnatural position to shave my legs within the confines of my half-shower. Can you even imagine the contortionist horseshit we girls have to attempt in order to do a sufficient job in removing our vagina hair?? You can’t understand, and you never will, and it’s this deep-rooted lack of appreciation for our struggles with vagina hair that I believe initially gave rise to the feminist movement as a whole.
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| Don't mind me., just trying to shave. |
After all of this – the plucking, the tweezing, the waxing, the shaving – after all of this discussion of body hair removal, the bottom line that I’m trying to draw out here is that girls go through a lot of shit to be considered “hot” by the male gender. I’m just saying that guys need to understand that the absolutely degrading experience of having to crouch down and shave one’s vagina equates to at least one bouquet of flowers per month, just out of appreciation for all that we do for you. Now, some of you guys might be thinking, “Wtf, I’m pretty sure having to shave my face is just as bad, and also, girls being crazy completely negates the effort they have to put forth to feel touchably smooth for me.” If that’s the thought that is going through your head, first let me congratulate you on your phenomenal vocabulary, and second, let me remind you that if girls didn’t spend the time and effort to get all nice for you, you’d be fucking a Hairy Girl. Is your disagreement really worth that? Also, do you know what its like to go through a full bottle of Gillette Satin Care per week? Do you understand that whenever I know my boyfriend is coming over, I have to coat myself in a literal onesie of shaving cream and remove every last shred of body hair in order to maintain the appearance that I am, in fact, flawless? I just have a hard time accepting that anyone other than a girl really GETS IT, which is why hair removal is slowly ruining my life.
*The "Average Girl" is a mathematical concept used to express the sum total of Girl Behaviors measured, divided by the amount of Girls surveyed. Have I spent time surveying girls for this post? Fuck no, but remember that time you wrote a research paper and got all of your information from Wikipedia, and then cited random websites with information that you didn't actually use because your teacher wouldn't allow Wikipedia to count as a source? This is like that.
