SPOTLIGHT: Secret Girl Struggles - That Clump of Hair You Find in Your Asshole After a Shower

I’ve decided that since I’m a girl (?), I know more about girl problems than the average person (a boy), and therefore that gives me a Ph. D in Girl Science and I am super qualified to write about the female gender (race?) and all of their problems.  The line of logic in that sentence might be questionable, but not as questionable as this Secret Girl Struggle: The Clump of Hair You Find in Your Asshole After A Shower.

Ew.

Human hair in places it’s not supposed to be is already the most disgusting thing I can think of.  Like, nothing skeeves me out more than when, after straightening my hair, there is a veritable carpet of lost strands of hair surrounding my feet on the floor that I could collect, if I felt so inclined, and mold into a hair doll.  And the longer your hair is, the worse it gets – have you ever clogged your shower drain because you’ve lost so much hair?  I think Locks of Love should join up with a Drain Cleaning Service, because I’m pretty sure I lose a full wig’s worth of hair every time I shower.  The bottom line is that hair should be on your HEAD and nowhere else, and if it does venture off your cranium to explore lands unknown, things get really gross, really fast.

I could make one of these with the hair I shave off my legs alone.

Most girls I know do not like to admit that they leave the shower and have to pull between 4-20 pieces of hair out of their asscracks, but if they tell you they don’t, they are fucking lying.  It happens.  To every girl*.  And up until this point, only my close friends and I have admitted to each other that yes, there is random hair from our heads in our ass cracks when we get out of the shower, and that yes, this is a problem.

A lot of the aspects of being a girl are fucking disgusting.  I’m saving the details of processes such as “Getting Ready” and “Body Hair Removal” for another post (I’m not even going to crack open the can of awfulness that is “Getting Your Period” because everyone will hate me more than they already do and because I am still in denial that that happens), but the general summary of these topics is that girls have to do a lot of degrading shit to themselves in order to look like the flawless creatures of heaven that we are.  

How random is this photo someone took of me walking to class the other day? My hair is messed up lol.

 Look at showering in general – this is something that is (should be) common to everyone in the human race**, and I think we all have our own little ritual order that we follow in the shower.  For example, I like to wash my face, then my hair, then condition my hair while I Dove bar the fuck out of my body, and then rinse the conditioner.  There is nothing special in this process, but if I vary it even the slightest, like wash my hair then my face, I am pretty sure the world will cease to exist and that my parents with die in a fire and someone will steal my iPod.  It’s Shower OCD.  Things just HAVE to be done that way.

Now, my lady friends, I have spent years trying to come up with concrete answers to the following questions:

-At what stage of showering does the hair from my head migrate down to my asscrack?

-How am I not bald from the amount of hair I lose in the shower?

-Did Jesus/Buddha intend for my butt to be a hair catcher? (It’s positioning HAS to be more than coincidental)

-What is the most secretive way that I can get the post-shower hairball out of my asshole?

I don’t have the answers to all of these questions, you guys.  BUT THAT DOESN’T MEAN I DIDN’T TRY.

Question One: At what stage of showering does the hair migrate from my head down to my asscrack?

I previously thought it must happen during the shampoo stage – that’s when almost all of your hair falls out initially.  But upon further review (I don’t want to talk about the specifics of the “research” I did), it seems that the real culprit is the conditioning stage.  Conditioner rinses out from your hair and down your back, making it all slippery and “condtionery” (scientific term).  This makes a kind of slide for all of your hair to zip right down and collect itself in and around your asshole.  Here is a diagram I have drawn using Paint:

Here I am in the shower about the condition my hair.  I don't believe in full-frontal nudity on the internet, so I've censored myself with a red American Apparel dress that cost me 90 dollars even though I could have made it myself.  I also look like Jesus.

As you can see, the area marked in yellow is the Conditioner Hot Zone - the rinse off from your hair that creates a Hair Highway for the loose strands to travel down.  Editor's note: I do not have an ass like that.

The Conditioner Hot Zone, when met with the correct environmental conditions (i.e. WATER PHYSICS) causes loose hairs to travel at a speed undetectable to the human eye.  The hair travels down the back and settles in your asshole.

Question 2: How am I not bald from the amount of hair I lose in the shower?

I have no fucking idea.

Question 3: Did Jesus/Buddha intend for my butt to be a stray hair catcher?

I don't want to get into the discussion of intelligent design because frankly, this isn't the time or the place, and also, I'm lazy, but I will quote a well know passage in the Bible as a response to this question:

"And the Lord said, Let all women struggle with their body hair, particularly when that hair falls out of their head and travels via the Conditioner Hot Zone to land restfully in their anus.  Amen." 

-Genesis 4:24

Question 4: What is the most secretive way that I can get the post-shower hairball out of my asshole?

Obviously if you are showering alone, this is literally of no concern to you.  You just bend over and scoop that shit out.  However, in the off chance that you are showering with a buddy (IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN), the scoop method is a surefire way to never hear from them again.  This leaves us in an awkward predicament - How do we come off as sexually appealing while still removing the uncomfortable hairball from our assholes? WELL MY FRIENDS! I have developed some strategies that I think will really help.

The "I'll Just Be A Minute": I think it's safe to say that if you're showering with someone, you're pretty close to them, but even if you're not, this still works well.  Everyone knows that after banging someone in the shower, you usually bang them again sans shower, but there is a three minute window of time that you have where you can prepare yourself for what's ahead - simply dry yourself off WAY slower than them, then, as they go to leave the shower, say "Oh I'll just be a minute".  As soon as that door closes, immediately excavate the hairball.

The Sly Dog:  This does not involve animals, nor do I condone wrapping your dog up in the cloak of shame that comes with having a hair doll in your asshole. This maneuver requires precision timing and slight movements - You've gotta get in there, get the hair, and get out of there faster than Kim Kardashian's marriage. If you are clumsy, or don't know where your asshole is, I suggest you stick to the first strategy.

The "LOL Look At This": WARNING - this is only for girls who have no shame and are completely unembarrassed by anything their body does.  It also only works if you're showering with a boyfriend that you've had for over a year who has proved that he loves you unconditionally and thinks that you're perfect (i.e. you've gotten your period in his bed and he was just like "whatever." and not grossed out at all).  This strategy requires that you say something along the lines of "Hey wanna see something gross?" and then reach back and get the hair and then show him.  It makes me cringe to think of doing this, but hey, they always say honesty is the best policy, right?

I think he's getting the hair out for her.

I don't know if boys know about this girl problem, and if you didn't, I'm sorry I had to be the one to tell you.  I'm starting to feel sick from talking about this so I'm going to go upstairs and eat some Cheerio's.  If you have any suggestions for Secret Girl Struggles that you think are good (and that you don't think I'll butcher) comment them on this post because I'd love to hear them.

*Except those with butchy haircuts.

**Except that one really gross kid you ‘knew’ in high school that had black stringy hair and was always dirty and smelly and was probably on the cusp on bringing a gun to class one day and killing everyone.  Shame on you for making fun of him.