Lately I’ve been in this kind of dreary, February funk that essentially demands me to frown at all times. I don’t know if it’s just because it’s cold, or because that whole “It’s the New Semester and I have New School Supplies and This is a Fresh Start” thing has finally worn off, or if it’s because I now go to fucking COMMUNITY COLLEGE in SOUTH FUCKING JERSEY, but I think it’s relatively safe to say that I’m in a shit mood.
| This is what my mood looks like. |
This isn’t even your run of the mill shit mood either. Anyone who knows me in “real” life has probably come to realize and accept that I am not the shiniest little penny that was ever minted. I’ve been called a pessimist, a “Debbie Downer”, and a cunt on multiple occasions. Instead of letting these criticisms affect me in a negative way, however, I’ve largely internalized and come to own them – I’m a fucking bitch, and I don’t really give a shit. This mood I’m in, then, shouldn’t shock me – it actually seems to fit in with my natural disposition, so why is it that I feel so off-put by the low my attitude has reached recently? I’m not really certain. All I know is that this bad mood hasn’t gone and shows no signs of going away. It’s like a long-lasting fog of apathy – it’s the relatives that come for the holidays and overstay their welcome, the War and Peace length disgust with the general populace that coats my day in a foul dust of snarky remarks and a complete lack of humor. A small child smiled at me today in Starbucks and I had to sit on my hands to stop myself from giving her the middle finger. It’s like I’m PMS-ing, but all of the time. (For the record, that little girl was STARING. Staring. You don't stare, I don't care if you're five years old and wearing a little pink outfit and you're all blonde and miniature. Don't fucking look at me when I'm doing my work in Starbucks, you little fuck.)
Here are a few photos of me being a bitch:
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| Here I am not giving a single fuck about the Guy Behind Me That Is Trying Too Hard. |
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| And here I am blatantly judging the shit out of someone not pictured because I most likely hate them. |
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| Even as a young child, I couldn't have given a shit less about happiness. You want a special memory of your 5 year old daughter in summertime of 1995? Well I suggest you have another fucking daughter, because I'm not smiling for your benefit, mom. |
You see, being a bitch just works for me. My bad attitude is who I am, it's funny, and people seem to enjoy it (Editor's Note: This judgment is based on absolutely no evidence whatsoever. In all likelihood, no one likes being around me.) This bad mood, though - this is not me.
Usually, whenever I’m in one of my wrathful, flesh-eating kind of moods, I turn to music to help me work out my frustrations (that, and screaming in my car or crying into a pack of Oreos), and I think we can all agree that there’s just something about listening to depressing, “slit-your-wrists” music that makes you feel a little bit better when you're down in the dumpz. We all have our go-to, embarrassing favorites: “Jesus Christ” - Brand New, “Home is Where You Hang Yourself” - Her Space Holiday, and of course the classic “Adam’s Song” by Blink 182 (REMEMBER THE TIME I SPILLED THE CUP OF APPLE JUICE IN THE HALL, PLEASE TELL MOM THIS IS NOT HER FAULT). My iPod is literally DJ Buzzkill when it comes to music, and I’ve even taken the liberty of making you all a depressing playlist if you find yourself feeling shitty, but you'll have to download the music yourselves because I don't really care enough to post links and shit (see below the end of this post).
ANYWAY, getting to the fucking point, which is always my goddamn problem, I’m in this horribly offensive mood and so I was looking to download a few new songs to my iPod last night so I could weep silently on my commute to school today. I really only had that one song “Holocene” off Bon Iver’s new album (can we talk about how he won Best New Artist . . . even though his first album came out like, four years ago? Not now? Yeah, okay.) and so I downloaded the whole thing (which is actually amazing). I also threw some random Manchester Orchestra on there, and a select few slow jams by Sufjan Stevens, and what I wound up with was a veritable Soundtrack of Auschwitz – it’s THAT fucking depressing.
Like I said, I don’t remember how or why it got onto my iPod (I remember both how and why), but there it was, blaring over my speakers, tearing down the fragile construction of a semi-presentable mood that listening to my new soothing music had helped create. And the thing is, this isn’t the first time this has happened to me – we must never forget the Great Gucci Mane Interruption of 2010, nor the Unexpected Lil Wayne Attack that occurred back in 2008. In fact, there always seems to be one rap song on my Recently Added that creeps out of nowhere and destroys the entire fucking playlist, and I can’t be so narcissistic as to think I am the only one that this happens to. It’s not just Recently Added either; the On-the-Go Feature plays a huge role in this asshattery too – you try to make a playlist that you plan on banging your boyfriend to and everything is going just fine until Sean Kingston starts his fat boy pop-rapping all through your speakers because your finger accidentally slipped and touched “Letting Go (Dutty Love)” instead of “Lust” by the Raveonettes. Everyone knows that Sexy Time is strictly boner-inducing dubstep or else smooth instrumentals like Ratatat. I mean, honestly, does anything remind you more of that one accidental guy you banged in college like pop-rap? What are guys thinking when they make these playlists – “Oh yeah dude, chicks go CRAZY for T.I.’s “Whatever You Like”, put that on the Boning Songs playlist.” In fact, if you’re a guy and you’re making a playlist to bang girls to in the first place, AND it’s not for your girlfriend as an attempt at romance, then you’re probably trying way too fucking hard. We can sense that sort of thing, and it’s not attractive.
Getting back to the point I’m exhaustively trying to make here, there always seems to be at least one song that doesn’t fit on every playlist, and it always ruins your time. I’m not discriminating against rap entirely – my Big Sean experience today has really made me prejudice – but it could honestly be anything. The sad truth of it is, however, that we really only have ourselves to blame. We’re the ones who are downloading these terrible, guilty pleasure songs, and we’re the ones who are mistakenly putting them onto playlists where they totally don’t fit. The soundtrack to our lives is being royally fucked over, and we’re the one’s doing the fucking. I guess, if I'm going to be honest with myself, it's really not that one rap song on my Recently Added playlist, but me who is slowly ruining my life.
PLAYLIST TO OVERDOSE TO*
1. I Can Feel A Hot One - Manchester Orchestra
2. For the Widows in Paradise, For the Fatherless in Ypsilanti - Sufjan Stevens
3. Lua - Bright Eyes
4. Love Will Tear Us Apart (Cover) - Broken Social Scene
5. Cherry - Ratatat
6. Possibility - Lykke Li
7. Cowboy Dan - Modest Mouse
8. Talk Show Host - Radiohead
9. Baby - Warpaint
10. Hallelujah - Jeff Buckley
11. Skinny Love - Bon Iver
12. Whenever You Breathe Out, I Breathe In (Positive/Negative) - Modest Mouse
13. The Trapeze Swinger - Iron and Wine
14. Sweet Disposition (Live) - Ellie Goulding
15. On Your Porch - The Format
16. (Part V) The Sun's Gone Dim and the Sky's Turned Black - Johann Johannson
17. No Name No. 1 - Elliott Smith
*Please do not overdose to this playlist. I do not have a lawyer. Also, is this in bad taste because of Whitney Houston?**
**I don't know that I should be concerned about making jokes in bad taste when all I do is talk about the Holocaust and abortions.
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